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 The Funniest Phrases Ever Quoted

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bluejays2007
The Bat Boy - Jesse Litsch
The Bat Boy - Jesse Litsch
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PostSubject: The Funniest Phrases Ever Quoted   Mon 29 Oct - 9:23

Edward Abbey
-- A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.

Joey Adams
-- Stay with me; I want to be alone
-- A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

Russel Baker
-- People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.

Alben W. Barkley
-- A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.

Dave Barry
-- The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withstand tremendous boredom."

Caron de Beaumarchais
-- It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them.

Ambrose Bierce
-- Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

Stephen Bishop
-- I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.

Erma Bombeck
-- One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
-- I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.

Ashleigh Brilliant
-- Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence

David Brinkley
-- The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if it were.

A. Whitney Brown
-- I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.


Samuel Butler
-- Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victems he intends to eat until he eats them.


Frank Capra
-- Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.

John Ciardi
-- You don't have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.

John Cleese
-- I find it rather easy to protray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.

Jean Cocteau
-- I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?


Andrei Codrescu
-- Cookbooks bear the same relation to real books that microwave food bears to your grandmother's.


Steven Coallier
-- If we are the only intelligent life in the universe, at least there's a finite number of idiots.

Noel Coward
-- I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.

Quentin Crisp
-- The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.

Finley Peter Dunne
-- An appeal is when you ask one court to show it's contempt for another court.



BLUEJAYS2007's vote for best quote.
J.W. Eagan
-- Never judge a book by its movie.


Abba Eban
-- History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

William Feather
-- Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.

Carrie Fisher
-- You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well.
-- Instant gratification takes too long.

Gustave Flaubert
-- To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.

Redd Foxx
-- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Milton Friedman
-- Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.

Gallagher
-- Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked "Brightness," but it doesn't work

Gandhi
-- I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.

Brendan Gill
-- Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

Richard Goodwin
-- People come to Washington believing it is the center of power. I know I did. It was only much later that I learned that Washington is a steering wheel that's not connected to an engine.

Adrienne E. Gusoff
-- Just when you realize life's a bitch, it has puppies.


Cynthia Heimel
-- If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?

Katherine Hepburn
-- Death will be a great relief. No more interviews.


Alfred Hitchcock
-- This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book -- it makes a very poor doorstop.
-- I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the manmade sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.
-- There are several differences between a footballl game and a revolution. For one thing, a football game usually lasts longer and the participants wear uniforms. Also there are more injuries at a football game.
-- Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

Eric Hoffer
-- When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

Elbert Hubbard
-- A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.

Kin Hubbard
-- A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
-- Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you.
-- The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.
-- One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.

Aldous Huxley
-- Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.
-- Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.

W. R. Inge
-- Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter.

Clive James
-- Everyone has a right to a university degree in America, even if it's in Hamburger Technology.

P.D. James
-- We English are good at forgiving our enemies; it releases us from the obligation of liking our friends.

Thomas Jefferson
-- Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies.

John Maynard Keynes
-- The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.

Henry Kissinger
-- The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.
-- Ninty percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad name.

Tony Kornheiser
-- Everyone who ever walked barefoot into his child's room late at night hates Legos.
Alfred A. Knopf
-- An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible.

Joseph Wood Krutch
-- Both the cockroach and the bird could get along very well without us, although the cockroach would miss us most.

Louis Kronenberger
-- The trouble with America isn't that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to advertising copy.

Fran Lebowitz
-- Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.

David Letterman
-- Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

Oscar Levant
-- Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

Leonard Louis Levinson
-- I wish I'd known you when you were alive.

Sinclair Lewis
-- Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, especially if they are worthless.
-- People will buy anything that is 'one to a customer.'

Alice Roosevelt Longworth
-- Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit.

Norman Mailer
-- Once a newspaper touches a story, the facts are lost forever, even to the protagonists.

W. Somerset Maugham
--She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious.

Groucho Marx
-- No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
-- I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
-- I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Edward Shepherd Mead
-- Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

H.L. Mencken
-- It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has decended from man.
-- Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

Montaigne
-- Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in memory as the wish to forget it.

Lewis Mumford
-- Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.

Ogden Nash
-- The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually beomes a cat.

Howard Ogden
-- Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.

Robert Orben
-- Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Lester Pearson
-- Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects.

Laurence J. Peter
-- Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status.
-- Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.

Arthur Wing Pinero
-- A financier is a pawnbroker with imagination.

Dan Rather
-- Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

Pierre August Renoir
-- It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks.

Ann Richards
-- He can't help it - he was born with a silver foot in his mouth.

Will Rogers
-- There ought to be one day -- just one -- where there is open season on senators.

Andy Rooney
--When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

Harold Rosenberg
-- No degree of dullness can safeguard a work against the determination of critics to find it facinating.

Rita Rudner
-- In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
-- My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
-- I want to have children and I know my time is running out: I want to have them while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
-- I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
-- Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

George Sanders
Acting is like roller skating. Once you know how to do it, it is neither stimulating nor exciting.

George Bernard Shaw
-- In order to fully realize how bad a popular play can be, it is necessary to see it twice.
-- There are only two classes in good society in England: the equestrian class and the neurotic class.
-- The English are not very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity.

Wilfred Sheed
-- If the French were really intelligent, they'd speak English.

Robert Louis Stevenson
-- Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
-- I regard you with an indifference closely bordering on aversion.

Adlai Stevenson
-- Some people approach every problem withan open mouth.

Tom Stoppard
-- Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork and picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.

Johnathan Swift
-- Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

James Thurber
-- If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-- Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Lily Tomlin
-- I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.
-- The trouble with the rat race is even if you win you're still a rat.

Herbert Beerbohm Tree
-- The national sport of England is obstacle racing. People fill their rooms with useless and cumbersome furniture, and spend the rest of their lives trying to dodge it.

Pierre Trudeau
-- Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain.

Mark Twain
-- Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
-- Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
-- Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.
-- I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.
-- Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

Mo Udall
-- If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong.

John Updike
-- A healthy adult male bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience.

Peter Ustinov
-- If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.

Bill Vaughan
-- Muscles come and go; flab lasts.

Gore Vidal
--Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.

Eli Wallach
-- Having the critics praise you is like having the hangman say you've got a pretty neck.

Carolyn Wells
-- Actions lie louder tha words.

Oscar Wilde
-- The basis of action is lack of imagination. It is the last resource of those who know not how to dream.
-- It is only the intellectually lost who ever argue.
-- It is only by not paying one's bills that one can hope to live in the memory of the commercial classes.
-- Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
-- Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.

Billy Wilder
--He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

Alexander Wolcott
--All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Steven Wright
-- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Evelle J. Younger
-- An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attourney can delay one even longer.

Frank Zappa
-- The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
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PostSubject: Re: The Funniest Phrases Ever Quoted   Mon 29 Oct - 9:27

LOL, that was funny!
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