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 Italian Jokes

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lala46girl
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Number of posts : 23
Age : 27
Location : My housie!
Registration date : 2007-10-19

PostSubject: Italian Jokes   Sat 20 Oct - 15:55

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE ITALIAN WHEN:
You have a nonna.

You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00

You know what a rice ball really tastes like.

Your car has a green red and a white bow with a horn attached on the mirror!

You know the words to Dominick the Donkey!

On Christmas Eve you eat only fish

Your favorite slow song: Ti Amo

"Fuhggettaboutit"

The Godfather is your role model

You love Nutella...anytime...

Your nonna's meat balls are the best

You always dress to impress

You always gotta have a clean pair of Fila's

You love Versace, Gucci, Prada, Armani, just cause there Italian.

Favorite movies: Godfather, Good Fellas, Bronx Tale, The Last Don... and you live by them.

Guys gotta respect their women...or else...

You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you by either your mother or your nonna.

Pasta, pasta, pasta everyday.

Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.

You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro or Firebird.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all relatives.

You consider dunking a cannoli in an espresso a nutritious breakfast.

Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law.

You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 strip clubs.

At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.

All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.

A high school diploma and 1 year of Nassau Community College has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.

You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

If someone in your family grows beyond 5'11", it is presumed his mother had an affair.

There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

At some point in your life, you were a D.J

30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone.

You have ever been in a fight defending Sly Stallone's thespian greatness.

Somewhere on your parents' property, there is a bathtub Madonna.

You build your house with 3 materials.... brick, brick and wrought iron.

You have at least one sister that went to Beauty School.

Clothes from the Chess King will actually fit you.

It is impossible for you to talk with your hands in your pockets.

Have been to a funeral where talk of the deceased is, "He shoulda kept his big yap shut."

You have many relatives named either Joe or Mary...

You grew up in a small house, but you still had two kitchens. (One was in the basement)

Your grandfather had a fig tree

You've always wanted a red Ferrari

Connie Francis songs makes you cry

At least one person in your family does a great impression of Don Corleone

You feel strangely comfortable when you sit on plastic-covered furniture

You know all the words to "That's Amore"

You are offended when the wedding you attend serves less than 9 courses despite the fact that you don't eat half of it.

You ask "How much for cash?" when buying but will accept 'gifts' in exchange for cash when selling.

You are not materialistic but insist a $500 wedding present is nothing.

You think have a concrete backyard is nice.

You think having swans in a big fountain in the front yard next to the veggie patch is tasteful.

You actually believe everyone eats those sugared almonds in the bonboniere at your wedding.

You always have a friend who 'owes you a favor'.

September = tomato season

October = Wine season

nonno has more than fig trees - he has every fruit tree! and nonna puts them in jars and brings them over

You give someone a panettone for Christmas and know you will get it back from them at Easter

socks and sandals...enough said

You mix some italian with english when you speak

your nonna is your idol

Christmas involves LOTS of fish and Easter involes LOTS of lamb

Every opportunity your nonna gets to see you she tries to feed you

When any of the older ladies in your house are ed off they feel the need to name off every saint in the book and when doing so bite the inside skin between their thumb and forefinger that means trouble

You understand what the word and the hand gesture for Cornuto means

- if you don't take your shoes of before you go upstairs (even if it's for about two seconds to get the next plate of pasta..) you get something thrown at you... or at least yelled at!

- your dinner table conversations can be heard next door - even if no one is home because they just 'dropped by' to say hello - no, no don't feed us... ok, maybe a couple pieces of sausage...

You eat pasta religiously

You have a pet that ur grandmother named because she couldn't pronounce any English names.. ex. Pepo, lilo, lupo etc.

Your grandparents make their own wine and you can get completely ripped on two glasses... (that is some GOOD )

Your family encouraged underage drinking (when nonno's wine is on the table)

I've been called disgraziata,AND shema numerous times for doing something stupid.

If your nonna has ly accuracy with her wooden slippers

You are Proud to be ITALIAN and now have bragging rights for the next 4 years

you can wake up on Sunday and ask your nonno for the highlights of the weekend soccer matches!

you live in WOODBRIDGE...and are damn proud of it! see other group for details lmao)

you had your italian flag on your dashboard during world cup (or anywhere in/on your car)

you keep the italian in your car even though its over but u geeve because u still have bragging rights for the next four years

you know what a wooden spoon is actually used for...and im not talking about cooking...

-you spent your childhood learning how to garden (guys) or cook (girls)

-you have a meat slicer in your house

- the teacher says you have a 10 minute break...people go to the washrrom or to get pizza/hot dog, and you whip out your container of pasta, and a bit of grated parmeggiano cheese in a little zip-lock (courtesy of nat n diana)

-everything is homemade and whatever isn't is bought from an italian store

-your nonna sends you food at least once a week

"ur mom calls every u bring home a putana" even if shes not

if a brings a guy home then he's a "figlio di puttana"

Your relatives fight over whos going to pay for dinner when you all go out...this usually lasts 5 minutes......

If youre going into a relatives basement...you have to wear your shoes.....

You get 6 bottles of Grand Marnier Every year for christmas...

You see all the onieri from every single event youve been to in the past 10 years in your dining room cabinet

The original plastic is on your nonna's couch still!

If you have more aunts than you can count out on two hands

You are currently in therapy over bad dreams about leather belts and wooden spoons

Redecorating your living room means changing the plastic sofa covers

You attend more than 9 weddings a year

Your friends come over for dinner and they leave 10 lbs heavier

You ask for one piece of chicken that your mother's serving and she forks 4 big slabs on your plate instead

Your grandparents don't speak a word of english, but can't seem to say "garage" or "driveway" in italian

You're a yapper, but become instantly mute when
you're hands are tied down

Your backyard consists of 1/8 grass and 7/8 tomatoes and
radicchio

You have more pictures of Jesus Mother Mary on your walls than family members

Baptisms and engagement parties are twice or three times
as big as Canadian weddings

You can't remember all the words to your national anthem,
but know every word of "Padre Nostro"

You have hair EVERYWHERE!

If you don't know any other southern vacation
destination other than Acapulco

Everyone over the age of 55 in your family is short, fat,
and wears nothing but black

If you're visiting your grandparents at either 2 in
the afternoon or 9 at night, and they interrupt you in
mid-sentence because it's time for their "show"

If the words "cinta" and "scopa" cause you to pee your
pants in fear

If you have 4 Antonietta's, 5 Giuseppe's, and 8 Antonio's in your family

If absolutely every one of your ancestors is referred to by nicknames (that sometimes mean HORRID things when translated into english)......

If you're willing to miss the birth of your child due to a soccer game during the World Cup

If you've ever had crevices and indentations in your
feet as a child from your mother forcing you to wear stiff
crocheted socks with tight pointy shoes

If you don't even know the names of any of your EIGHTEEN bridesmaids

If you're 35 years old, still live at home, still have
your mom cook and clean for you, and you STILL have the balls to bitch about having to eat pasta fagioli for dinner again........


DURING YOUR CHILDHOOD,, THE FOLLOWING OCCURED:
1.You have at least one relative who wore a black dress every day for an entire year after a funeral.

2.You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for lunch was pronounced "sangwich."

3.Your family dog understood Italian.

4.Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents and extended family.

5.You've experienced the phenomena of 150 people fitting into 50 square feet of yard during a family cookout.

6.You were surprised to discover the FDA recommends you eat three meals a day, not seven.

7.You thought the pig each year and having salami, capacollo, pancetta and prosciutto hanging out to dry from your shed ceiling was absolutely normal.

8.You ate pasta for dinner at least three times a week, and every Sunday.

9.You grew up thinking no fruit or vegetable had a fixed price and that the price of everything was negotiable through haggling.

10.You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

11.You thought everyone's last name ended in a vowel.

12.You thought nylons were supposed to be worn rolled to the ankles.

13.Your mOm's main hobby is cleaning.

14.You were surprised to find out that wine was actually sold in stores.

15.You thought that everyone made their own bottled tomato sauce.

16.You never knew what to expect when you opened the margarine, after all you thought washing out and reusing margarine containers was normal.

17.You never ate meat on Christmas Eve or any Friday for that matter.

18.You ate your salad after the main course.

19.You thought Catholic was the only religion in the world.

20.Your were beaten at least once with a wooden spoon or broom.

21.You thought every meal had to be eaten with a hunk of bread in your left hand.

22.Your grandmother never threw anything away, you thought seeing washed plastic bags hanging on the clothes line was normal.

23.You learned to play scopa before you went to school.

24.You can understand Italian but you can't speak it.

25.You have at least one relative who came over on the boat.

26.All of your uncles fought in a World War.

27.You have at least six male relatives named Tony, Frank, Joe or Louie.

28.You have relatives who aren't really your relatives.

29.You have relatives you don't speak to.

30.You drank wine before you were a teenager.

31.You relate on some level, admit it, to the Godfather and the Sopranos.

32.You grew up in a house with a yard that didn't have one patch of dirt that didn't have a flower or a vegetable growing out of it.

33.Your grandparent's furniture was as comfortable as sitting on plastic. Wait!!!! You were sitting on plastic.

34.You thought that talking loud was normal.

35.You thought sugared almonds and the Tarantella were common at all weddings.

36.You thought everyone got pinched on the cheeks and money stuffed in their pockets by their relatives.

37.Your mother is overly protective of the males in the family no matter what their age.

38.There was a crucifix in every room of the house, including the cellar.

39.Boys didn't do house work because it was women's work.

40.You couldn't date a boy without getting approval from your father. (oh, and he has to be Italian)

41.You know what granita is.

42.Your Christmas tree was silver.

43.You called pasta macaroni.

44.You have at least one irrational fear or phobia that can be attributed to your mother.

45.Your father is either a gardener, builder or mechanic.

46.You dreaded taking out your lunch at school, you would pray that you didn't have melanzane again.

47.February 14th is VALENTIMES Day

48. "Lees go Off" is Italian for "Let's Go For Coffee"

49.Pontiac Parisiennes were also known as Italian Cadillacs

50.Every condition, ailment, misfortune, memory loss and was attributed to the fact that you didn't eat something.


*NEW: when you go visit your nonno in the hospital and your nonna has completely taken over their kitchen and starts making visitors and the nurses MORTADELLA SANDWICHES!!!*


You're proud to be Italian - and you pass these jokes on to all your Italian friends
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lala46girl
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Number of posts : 23
Age : 27
Location : My housie!
Registration date : 2007-10-19

PostSubject: Re: Italian Jokes   Sat 20 Oct - 15:55

the ones that apply to me most are the ones about macaroni (pasta isn't in my vocabulary), mortadella sandwiches, and I seriously was taller than my grandma by 7.
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lala46girl
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Number of posts : 23
Age : 27
Location : My housie!
Registration date : 2007-10-19

PostSubject: Re: Italian Jokes   Sat 20 Oct - 15:56

oh and nutella is sooo good. and I do brag about being Italian lol and also the stuff about the sugared almonds. I actually didn't know they weren't common till I read this.
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lala46girl
Ballin'!
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Number of posts : 23
Age : 27
Location : My housie!
Registration date : 2007-10-19

PostSubject: Re: Italian Jokes   Sat 20 Oct - 15:58

and reusing all the glass bottles and stuff
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yanks1987
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Location : Ontario, California
Registration date : 2007-10-20

PostSubject: Re: Italian Jokes   Sun 21 Oct - 0:58

lol thats a good list Laughing
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